Christmas music and other things

I brought out the Christmas music the other day - NSync, Hanson, all that good stuff. Evokes so, so many memories - dancing in my room to all of it, jamming out in the car, and of course, that overall good feeling of Christmastime. Except that this year, it's different. So very different. Last year at Christmas, I was still reeling from the shock of losing my mom and so I didn't really feel much of anything. But now that I've had the time to let everything sink in, Christmas has an underlying pain to it. I understand now why the holidays can be so painful for some people.

It's not that I don't still love Christmas, I do. My mom was the one who taught me to love Christmas and every time I see a nutcracker (she loved them) - I feel tears well up in my eyes. I don't know if this gets any easier as the years go on and quite honestly, I don't know if I want it to get any easier - I don't want to forget anything about my mom. Maybe one year I'll be able to look at a nutcracker and smile instead of cry. I honestly thought I was going to lose it in Target the other day when I saw their nutcracker display. She would have loved it, and probably would have snuck a few she didn't have home with her. Sometimes I can't believe I have managed to make it this long without her. But I'm realizing more and more every day that she taught me how to make it without her - she taught me how to be strong and independent.

I'm glad that she doesn't have to deal with her illness anymore - but I so wish she could be here next Wednesday for Brendan's first birthday. It's going to be hard to celebrate that without her, but I am excited for his birthday. We got him some awesome presents and of course it will be great to see him eat his first bite of birthday cake! My dad and Grady's mom will be here as well so it will be a good time for Brendan.

But before all of that, I have to get through this Wednesday - we have a luncheon at work to celebrate our campaign - and guess who has to help coordinate the audio and visual? Me. More than 750 people are expected to attend. I did this for our previous luncheon in September, but it sure doesn't make me any less nervous about it. Oh well, it will all be OK. Just pray I don't mess up too much. :-)