Christmas music and other things

I brought out the Christmas music the other day - NSync, Hanson, all that good stuff. Evokes so, so many memories - dancing in my room to all of it, jamming out in the car, and of course, that overall good feeling of Christmastime. Except that this year, it's different. So very different. Last year at Christmas, I was still reeling from the shock of losing my mom and so I didn't really feel much of anything. But now that I've had the time to let everything sink in, Christmas has an underlying pain to it. I understand now why the holidays can be so painful for some people.

It's not that I don't still love Christmas, I do. My mom was the one who taught me to love Christmas and every time I see a nutcracker (she loved them) - I feel tears well up in my eyes. I don't know if this gets any easier as the years go on and quite honestly, I don't know if I want it to get any easier - I don't want to forget anything about my mom. Maybe one year I'll be able to look at a nutcracker and smile instead of cry. I honestly thought I was going to lose it in Target the other day when I saw their nutcracker display. She would have loved it, and probably would have snuck a few she didn't have home with her. Sometimes I can't believe I have managed to make it this long without her. But I'm realizing more and more every day that she taught me how to make it without her - she taught me how to be strong and independent.

I'm glad that she doesn't have to deal with her illness anymore - but I so wish she could be here next Wednesday for Brendan's first birthday. It's going to be hard to celebrate that without her, but I am excited for his birthday. We got him some awesome presents and of course it will be great to see him eat his first bite of birthday cake! My dad and Grady's mom will be here as well so it will be a good time for Brendan.

But before all of that, I have to get through this Wednesday - we have a luncheon at work to celebrate our campaign - and guess who has to help coordinate the audio and visual? Me. More than 750 people are expected to attend. I did this for our previous luncheon in September, but it sure doesn't make me any less nervous about it. Oh well, it will all be OK. Just pray I don't mess up too much. :-)

change is goooood. very good.

So... update time! We found out on Monday that we will be moving to Amarillo. We FINALLY get to get out of Abilene, and I'm so happy about that. I honestly don't know if I could have handled another year in this place. There are too many memories and too many things that we just need to get away from. A fresh start is something we all need. Too many people know too much about us here and I've gotten so tired of people's attitudes toward us.

So obviously, when Grady got the call that he was being transferred, we were beyond overjoyed! I think I may have jumped up and down! :-) We'll all be a lot happier in a different place, and I already feel so relieved about everything. I hadn't been too happy about being here another year and that had reflected in my attitude toward everything.

Another blessing in Amarillo is that we'll be very close to Grady's mom, someone who I actually trust to watch Brendan. We can have a life sometimes now and that will be good for all of us. Grady has other family in the area as well, so we'll know a lot of people. Plus, it's way bigger than Abilene so there'll actually be stuff to do! And we'll be close to Albuquerque and Oklahoma City if we want to check those out. I'm excited about moving somewhere new. Sometimes you really just need a change of scenery to keep your sanity!

So my first Mother's Day was weird for me. It was extremely bittersweet, because it was the first one without Mom here. We were in Clarendon at Grady's mom's church and they sang this really old-timey song about telling Jesus to tell my mother I'll see her in Heaven, and of course that set me off crying. And I was in the middle of a bunch of people I'd met once before so it was rather awkward. But it was also my first Mother's Day as a mom, and that was amazing.

Being a mom really is indescribable if you haven't experienced it for yourself. I never thought I'd worry so much about someone until Brendan came along. And I never thought I'd love someone as much as I love him (and Grady!). I've been asked before if I regret how things happened. My answer is always no. One, I don't believe in regrets - life's too short to spend it wondering "if only." Two, the moment I saw Brendan's beautiful face for the first time, I knew I was where I wanted and needed to be. I've always heard people say that God just laughs when you try to make plans yourself. And I'm sure He laughed at me a lot over the years. I wouldn't change anything for the world, and I'm happier than I've ever been!!

That was a long post for me. Anyway, time to go meet the husband for dinner!

Our First Post

Well, I (Rachel) decided I needed something to occupy my time with while Grady works and Brendan sleeps, so here we are.

Let's see... small intro... we're a family of 5 (including the dogs) and we're living in Abilene, despite our best efforts to escape the West Texas region. Brendan is now 5 months old... hard to believe sometimes. It won't be too much longer before the boy is crawling, I think. We're moving at the end of May into a much larger apartment so we'll finally have some breathing room and room for him to crawl around.

as you can see... he's healthy and growing. he only looks like that because his dad put a Cubs hat on him instead of a Braves hat. haha.

well I think that's all for my first post. time to go feed the kid. he demands it be so.